w7e

modern times

2011-08-16T14:19:00.002+02:00

call for modern blogs, and also different approaches:

read my multiple daily blurts on tumblr. long ramblings will still end up here though.

and life sucks... just as always.

I'm not hungry

2011-08-09T12:14:00.004+02:00

lunch just takes too long. after all, I'd rather spend my free time at home, not sitting in some dodgy restaurant waiting for other people to finish eating and chatting about meaningless this-and-that.

the weather is not on my side. Windy, Cloudy, semi-warm-cold... typical autumn weather.. makes me feel close to back then. thinking about love, life, goals, timing, ... just not much fun.

go listen to this:

Angus & Julia Stone - Big Jet Plane

and this:

time flies by

2011-08-04T16:34:00.002+02:00

everything new makes may... which may or may not be true. I'm bored out of my shell today though. So I ended up logging in here. To what end I don't know. I'm pretty sure no-one except some bots reads this place haha. Still got 0-10 hits a week.

Trying to pixel some stuff together, but after 5 hours of 3200% zoom my eyes just can't handle it anymore.

go FY you stupid icons.

I also miss my fish. Ha, and that even has multiple meaning. And I was offered to climb an endless tower tomorrow. I'm not sure I want to accept that challenge. How can that be done in 5 hours?! It's kind of paradox to call something endless if you can do it in 5 hours. Or maybe it can't be done in 5 hours, but they only want to allow me 5 hours to attempt it. Oh... green gradients. That's a good idea.

brb

go watch REPO!

2009-06-05T21:49:00.002+02:00

WHY did YOU fucking leave him?!?!?!
and WHY didn't YOU try to get me back?!?!?!

Fuck you both! And noone fucking understands this. How could they. There's noone to know, noone in my situation, noone who's unbiased. So I'm fucking alone.

THANKS TO YOU!!!

both

lalalalaaaaa happy or wut?!

2008-09-18T19:39:00.002+02:00

Soooo I'm on holiday. YAY!

No work, no duties, nice food, nice people.. pretty much nice everything. And among all this I still find the time to randomly walk around youtube, check my subscriptions (why the hell am I not getting emails from youtube when they update?!), check out the favs of my subscriptions and stumble upon awesome stuff.

Like this.

Google!

2008-08-04T20:32:00.003+02:00

Wow, this is the first site Google shows up upon searching for w7e. Quite amusing. Also, I get around 10 hits every week, even if I don't write anything. Even more amusing. I should check out my statistics and find out what people searched for when they hit my blog. Because I'm pretty sure they didn't search for some random blog. LOL!

So yeah, I've had a couple of not so great experiences - regarding love, what else - but all in all I'm good.
I'm going on holiday soon, which will be awesome. Or so I hope, haha. I might die, which is a serious possibility regarding where I'm going, but I'm not scared. I might be put in jail upon me leaving the country, that scares me more. I might not come home for a very long time, which doesn't scare me either. It would just give me an excuse to not finish my education - again.

Well, I'm starving, so I'll go search for some food.

oh, music!!!! How could I forget!
- Anathema
- Lambchop
- Calexico

Woooow depression... ehm, I mean.. yes!!! Life is great!!!!!

2008-06-13T20:06:00.006+02:00

What the fuck is with people?
Ok.. here's the facts:

* I like a person
* we get along really well
* I got a crush and ey are sexy

here's what happened:

* I tried to see em more often
* I put an effort into saying more than just "Hi"
* Ey asked me for how long I'd be around this time
* Ey asked me where my new place is
* I asked em, if ey wanted to go do something on the weekend
* When we met, ey gave me about 5 pieces of advise on how to meet people
* I got a mail from em, saying how the weekends are eir's alone, and for relationship, family, sports, etc
* I sent a reply saying, I only wanted us to be friends, and that it's totally fine.

Thing is:

IT'S NOT FINE!!!

I constantly get turned down. Either I like people who like me as a person, but for all sorts of reasons don't want to be with me. Be it that they want work to strictly stay work, be it that they aren't gay, be it that they are afraid of what might happen.

And the other part of people that do like me... well I don't like them. Not in a romantic kind of way anyways.

Seriously this kind of infatuation REALLY sucks. I fall for the same kind of people every single time. Usually older than me, and with one reason or the other, not to be with me.

I just don't get it.
What's so bad in a relationship or friendship with someone half your age? I have friends who are half my age, and sure, there are thing I don't get and things they don't get, but all in all we really get along.

Stupid bloody piece of shit society!

Back to my relationship with redwine. At least here I won't get turned down.

//on a side-note: I drank my first ever Champagne at work today!

Amazing...

2008-06-06T13:02:00.004+02:00

I didn't post anything for weeks, and yet I had huge amounts of visitors in May. Where's the sense in that? Kinda weird.
unexplained phenomena

Hmm.. so what happened since my last post. Right now I'd say not much, but of course that's not true.

Let's see:

1) I'm at work again. No marks for my exams yet, but we're handing in the last piece of work today, so now it shouldn't take too long to get them all.

2) I moved into a flat (appartment) with 2 friends. So far it's going really well.

3) I've taken up piano lessons. Worst thing about those is simply, that they're expensive. Second worst thing is all the things I need to re-learn, or haven't learned in the first place that I need to learn now. C major scale.. haha.. but well.. it's not as easy as it sounds. I really like it. The teacher is great, and ey's showing me exactly all the things I haven't learned yet. Although it's a little frustrating, knowing that I played quite advanced Mozart and Beethoven and stuffs, and now I'm stuck with the most simple of things and they are actually hard.

4) Currently not in love with anyone. Quite surprisingly. Loving tons of people, but no infatuation. I'm quite glad about it, since it means a huge chaos-factor is removed from my life for now. There's a person whom I find very intriguing, but ey is - of course - not reachable for me. I tried to ask em out for a date-like thing, but got declined.

5) I'm getting my eyes operated. They'll be putting extra lenses inside my eye, and afterwards I'll be unbound from the burden of glasses! Hooray me. More about this some other time. And just to scare you off, a little video of what it'll be like:

Hum yes.. tons of posts in one. :D

So where's the difference?

2008-03-26T20:44:00.002+01:00

love, longing, infatuation, attraction, having a crush, being in love, affection, desire...

When do you know which one of those it is that you're feeling?
How do you define it? Does love need to be defined? Then, if it doesn't... how do you draw a line between love and lust, infatuation and desire? Does there even have to be a line?

So I'm thinking, if the world is perfect, no there doesn't have to be a line. But it's not perfect, so yes, there needs to be lines. I certainly need them.

And in my eyes, yes, there is a difference between all those things.. well, tons of differences to be true.
But how do you know? Which one is important? Is lust important? Or is love? Are both? Or none?
If you could chose to have one fulfilled forever, which one would it be?

The way I behave, I guess my choice would be infatuation. But not the sloppy selfish kind.
No, it would have to be the one which feels like eternity. When you see the one you're infatuated with, and all you ever want to do is make them happy. If it happens they make you happy, too, along the way, that's all the better. So for me, the difference between love and lust is the point where you start to make a different choice. When I'm infatuated the sloppy selfish way, I want to be touched and held and just looked at in that special way. I get butterflys inside my stomach, sweaty hands, sad when I can't meet em. But the real way, the one that counts is, when I still want to be in contact, but not for me, for the other one. When I do stupid silly things, just to see em smile, even laugh about me. It's when you get the other one a coffee and never even think a second about being repaid. The only payment you receive is a smile, and that's even just a bonus. It's all just bonus.

It's just bad that this kind of caring is the one that seems to hurt the most. Seems like that right now anyways. Pfff, always seems like the worst. Wanting to do good, and not being allowed to.
Yesh, yesh, yesh... I'm rambling and being emo.. don't listen to me.

Have a nice day.

Listening to Scout Niblett - Drummer Boy

Trancecore - wtf?!

2008-02-12T16:59:00.000+01:00

So... long time no posting.

A few weeks ago I had a virus. That really sucked. I had avast! updated and running, and still it fucked my system up. It messed up my wireless, made it impossible to install any antivirus programs or go into safe mode. So I did an internet scan of my personal files - which luckily none of were infected, moved them onto my external harddrive and formatted my laptop.
After being angry I was actually excited, 'cos for once I'd get to use format c:
But alas, that didn't work from a running windows system, so I had to use the XP CD.
It's all up and running again, although I still miss quite a few programs, but I'll just install them when I actually need them.

Class was cool last week. We had some seminar from thursday til saturday, and half the course didn't even turn up. Which is quite a lot, regarding that my course is less than 20 people. So the ones that did come had quite some fun.

On friday we went bowling. So now my legs and right arm are still a bit sore, but it was fun. Especially since after 9 p.m. they turn on blacklight and the balls as well as the pins were glowing awesomely.

And on saturday some guy I know had a party for his birthday. Me and some friends went there even though we were super exhausted from the seminar all week. We were sure we'd only stay til 11 or something... But in the end we ended up staying til 5am. :D That was a great lot of fun.
All during the party we listened to Enter Shikari - Sorry, You're Not A Winner. And frankly I fucking love this song :D
So now as an ultimate consequence of this, I'm going on a festival in summer to see them. And also half my course is going, too. Wah, so much fun ahead!

Glimpse and glimpses and borders well guarded

2008-01-22T22:17:00.000+01:00

Glimpse

T O R C H L I G H T

Most on wood with oil
I want to scream!
SCREEEAAAM out my emotion!
pounding heart & sweaty hands
insides squirming like venomous snakes on their mating nights

I lost you before I even found you. A glimpse of you in my life. Slow motion & waltz rythms. Days melt down to hours and hours melt down to days. Time is frozen in time.

Passed all my exams!

2007-12-28T01:29:00.000+01:00

Yeah, baby, yeah!!!

I passed all my exams this sememster!!! Friggin' amazing. So happy! I had a resit last time, and that was pretty much the worst thing ever!
My notes range from 1.0 (there's nothing better) to 3.5 (and 4.1 is a fail, 5.0 is the worst you can get). And that 3.5 subject is the only one I was so sure I would fail. Lol, so great. I'm really really happy about this.

I also had time to meet up with some friends, saw the Golden Compass today, which was good. I regret that I didn't remember much of the book. It's like... 6 or 7 years since I read it (if that's in compliance with the publishing date, hehe). That's probably for the better though, because I'm guessing they made a real mess of it, although the effects seemed well enough, and the story seemed comprehensible even without having read the books. My friends didn't ask stupid questions anyways, and I know they didn't read it.
And Nicole Kidman looked absolutely, stunningly breath-takingly beautiful. Yes.

And also, this is the first and most likely will be the only movie that made me think, that dying looks beautiful. O.o Their Daemons turn into golden Dust when the person dies. It looks truly beautiful. Respects to the animation team!

Ah yes, and tomorrow I'll go and donate some blood. I'll finally know which blood-type flows through my veins, help save some lives maybe, and also it'll earn me some money.

Yush! *happy*

----------------
Currently listening to: Tom Milsom - Catsongs II (Livia Deliberated)

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

2007-12-25T01:43:00.000+01:00

Have a happy time with your loved ones! Enjoy and talk to you soon. Right now I need to enjoy being with my family. God I missed my dog sooooo much!!!

Enjoy this rather private version of my favourite ever christmas-song. And that is not me. Hehe. Though I did learn to play the flute a little at some point. I should take it up again when I get bored with my piano ^^

Happy / Tortoise

2007-12-15T12:38:00.000+01:00

One thing about me is: when I'm happy I don't write.
I didn't write.
For a few days.

Now I'm writing, but I'm still happy. I'm just writing, because I feel I should. And I have stuff to share. And I simply want to.

Share No 1:
Check out this really cool gif (uh, you need to click it to see it move).

I even joined that silly mySpace community for this. This guy left a comment here, (where I got from here). So I presumed that is the one who made the gif, especially since there are more gifs like it on his site.
So I wanted to write a comment and say how much I liked the gif. Turns out, I need to sign up. So I do. Then I try again. Turns out I need to be friends with him for that... like.. wtf?! OK then, no comment.

Share No 2:
Tortoise.
Not turtle. But Tortoise. Not turquoise either.
Ey have a really cool website. You should really check out the headers for each section. Very cool, very ambient, very fun and beautiful as well.
I've been checking out lots of new and different music lately, so these guys just fit into that scheme perfectly. Thank god for youtube, btw.

Share No 3:
Happiness.
I got some of my marks back. So far I passed all my exams this year :) On on of them I even achieved the highest mark we can get. XD That's basically the reason for my introduction up at the top.
Also, I'll see my family again very soon, due to me going home for christmas. And as well as my family, I'll also see my old friends again, which is great, too.
So.
For now.
That should be all.

Piano & Jamie Cullum

2007-12-10T20:41:00.000+01:00

Sooooo awesome!!! I got my piano today. And I looove it. Now I just need some more sheet music, and some lessons to teach me how to play without sheet music :D

And I just found this on YouTube.. I've seen this live... not in London, but I have ^^ When he makes the audience do that it's plain awesome. Too bad you can't really hear the people in this vid.

Scouting For Girls - Elvis Ain't Dead

2007-12-07T17:56:00.000+01:00

Woah cool... Little boy pop, and I like it ^^ quite amusing. But I heard this song on the radio today, and I really liked it. Doesn't happen that often to me on the first listen. At least not with pop. So this is pop. Maybe they're not boys, but still. Pure mainstream pop. Or so I'd say anyways.
And it's friday.
And I got absolutely soaked on my way home. Left the trainstation, grey sky. Crossed the first road, and wham! 20meters and my feet were making squelch-noises inside my shoes. It actually rained hard enough for me to take of my headphones and turn off my mp3-Player. I don't think I ever did that before.
Anyways, I'm rambling, so here's the video:

Piano

2007-12-06T23:12:00.000+01:00

So I did it ^^

I actually bought a piano. ^_^
Man I was so nervous, and then afterwards I got pretty excited. Too bad they can't deliver until monday. But that gives me time to think about maybe moving my furniture before they bring it. I don't think it's optimal the way it's right now, so maybe I'll move it around... But not sure yet, 'cos I don't have a tapemeasure and moving stuff around by yourself can be pretty hard.

But anyways... I'm really glad I did it though ^^ It'll be so much fun :)
Now I just need a stool from somewhere. The ones they had at the piano shop were just too expensive. I'll have a poke around in the other music stores here, and see if they're more or less expensive than ebay or other online stores.
For the start I'll just be sitting on my normal chair.. ^^

Argh yay, so happy.

The Knife - Marble House

2007-12-05T23:46:00.000+01:00

"The moment we believe that we have never met
Another kind of love it's easy to forget
When we are all alone then we do both agree
We have a thing in common this was meant to be"

WOOOOT YAY! I decided I'll buy my piano tomorrow. I seriously cannot wait anymore, and I can afford it so.. wohoooo ^^

It'll be a CA-51 from Kawai.

also I wanted to put a song here that I've loved for over a year now. Last january I listened to it over and over and over again, and today I used my iAudio instead of my iPod, and it came up in shuffle. So amazing, that I had it up on repeat 1 again for hours...

So I wanted to share.

Enjoy.

I don't get it... I friggin' don't get it

2007-12-04T18:54:00.000+01:00

This is so confusing!!!

K, start with the beginning. (Makes sense, dun it?)
A few days ago, my ex sent me a text: "what do you want for christmas?". Now that on it's own just made me think "WTF?! Are you serious? It's been 2 years, we live like a million miles apart. You wanna give me something for xmas, but you didn't for my birthday. Weird priorities. And besides.. how should I fucking know what I want??? I have no clue." So that might sound a bit harsh, but it was mostly in the style of wtf...
So, today I finally found something I want (other than some boring DVD). So I told em, and ey was like "are you sure?" and I was like "yeah." And then after ey said ok, I realised I could ask em to come visit in summer, and make eir flights the present, cos I went to see em this summer. So ey said ey already ordered it, and that ey might go someplace else in summer anyways.
My reaction to that was "O.o" And I asked em "with whom?"
And it seems like that might be more than "my family" because ey wanted to know if ey should tell me before or after sports. So what if ey's got a relationship now?! Just the thought of that makes me freak out.
It has been really long since we were together, and when I went to see em, it was more than a normal friendship, but it wasn't bitter or too much or anything either. It was really good actually. So why does the possibility of em with a new partner freak me out so much?!?!!
And also, on my way home today, there was a trio playing swing in the train station. I stopped to listen and the first song they played was Autumn Leaves. They were great. Most people that stopped were mothers with children no bigger than up to their knees. I fucking almost cried. I so much want a family, too. But how on earth is that going to happen??? I pushed away the person who would've done that with me, and now I keep falling in love with the most impossible people ever, and ... there's like a million reasons why it seems it will never ever fucking happen.

Fucking stupid piece of shit this life is... Someone tell me where the reset button is...

definitely bipolar

2007-12-04T15:08:00.000+01:00

i just wanna die.

wtfbbqkthx

2007-12-03T18:56:00.000+01:00

bipolar disorder anyone?

:D

I almost pissed myself laughing about myself today.
Right, so last week I went to say hello to someone I haven't seen for *thinks* 3 months. I had a huge crush on em (which started like 9 months ago). It included the whole set of racing heartbeat, sweaty hands, butterflies in my stomach and all. It had started to fade off and had all gone away while we didn't see each other. Altogether there was only 3 e-mails in the whole 3 months. 2 from me, and 1 for me.
So anyways, last week I discovered that ey wasn't there. Someone else told me, ey would come back this week. So despite all my self-control and pre-occupation with my border-soldier, I got quite excited over the weekend. When we actually did meet today it was really amusing. At first I just said hello, because I had to greet someone else, too.
lol, I can hardly type 'cos I'm laughing again.
So I went to see em, and was basically smiling like hell even though I had told myself I wouldn't. Promptly I got asked: "And how are you? Why are you beaming so much?" I totally didn't have an answer to that... wrong person, wrong time, and also wrong other people present, but I just laughed so hard when I was alone again...
Hilarious... the weirdness of my heart.
Although I kind of unlearned how to see eir beauty. I was really happy to see em, but the enchantingness (ugh, that's not a word) was gone.
But this is a really good example to tell my friend J. Em was like: "Yeah, if you don't see em, you'll be fine in two weeks." Ha Ha Ha! Like hell... the ones I really care about always drag along for aaages.

So yeah... see how I was last week? All madness and depression and losing track of time & reality. Now look at me this week (so far). Beaming, laughing, having fun. I wonder how long it's going to last.

OMG! I'm gonna buy a piano! I already tried out 3 last week, and another 3 today. Woah!!! Now THAT made me even happier! I just gotta go retry the first 3 soon - hopefully tomorrow - so I can have a real close comparison and then decide. Otherwise I'd have to wait until summer. Oh, hmm... maybe they'll all be cheaper then. Mmmh... I didn't think of that before, lol.

Does anyone know how fast new piano models go down in price?

Hmmm.. I'll research that now.

today is fucked up

2007-11-28T20:16:00.000+01:00

and then I see a darkness
and then I see a darkness
did you know how much I love you
there's a hope that somehow you
can save me from this darkness

and then:

madness

madness

madness

madness

MADNESS

M A D N E S S ! ! !

maddening sadness engulfs the lonely hunter...
alone

always

all in my head?

2007-11-24T19:04:00.000+01:00

So I've been listening to Rooney. Had the whole album on, and then song No. 10 made me hit z in Winamp and go back to listen to it again. And again. And again.

I told you before
I'm not looking for someone to hold me
Take your hand off my back
the weight is making me heavy
I don't like public affection
it belongs in the bedroom
Well I don't want to run around
I got plans in the afternoon

What did you expect?
Well I told you from the start
That I'm not your boyfriend

All the hope
All the pain
All the tears you cried
Every laugh
Every kiss
Every time I lied
Well I'm not what you think or dreamed of
It's all in your head

So what does that mean now? Basically I keep thinking about the border-soldier. Would this be what ey'd say to me if things were different, yet all the same? Does ey care? In any way?
Last time I saw em, we had a lot of eye contact. Never very long, because I was afraid I'd start crying, but quite a lot. I also hadn't expected to see em at all that day. I had been sure the 1min meeting the day before was the last one for now. Which I left without even saying good-bye. Ey said something to me, but there was someone else present, so I just felt I had to run away. I didn't want to start telling em things that are only for em, with someone else being there. And I also didn't want to force my presence on them.
So this unexpected new last meeting took me unaware. God, I wonder what ey could read from my eyes. Why was ey even looking my way, if ey believes in eir borders? Did ey just look the same at me as ey would've with anyone, and I'm just imagining it was way more than ey looked at my friends?
I'll never know I guess. There is no way I would ask em, I told em my good-byes and good wishes for the time to come. So now I'll just wait. Unless of course I can think of a relevant reason to speak to em. Which I guess I will never find.
Oh well... w7e!

Ok, not YouTube but...

2007-11-24T12:04:00.000+01:00

Tom Milsom is teh hiro!!!

So this has been two posts about Tom Milsom. I guess I'll write about myself soon enough again.
Right now you should go and check out eir other youtube videos. They are amusing, amazing, funny, weird, odd, and generally entertaining.
I highly recommend eir 19 Penguins piece. But be sure to watch the short version first. It's better.

Right then, off to shower with Tom on repeat1. Woot. I should tell em that.

YouTube is teh hiro!

2007-11-20T22:37:00.000+01:00

I loooove YouTube!

Free legal awesome music!!!

stars

2007-11-20T16:27:00.000+01:00

I was shopping with my friend N. yesterday. Not shopping in the traditional sense of shoes and clothes and what-not, rather we went to buy some flowers for eir mum.
So anways, in the flower shop they had little stars made of polystyrene, painted with some glossy red paint and stuck them on metal rods.

Made me think how awesome it would be, if I could actually gather up some real stars, and say to the one I love "Here, I picked these for you."
A bouquet of stars. Real ones. That would be so cool. Imagine you could press them if they start to wither, so you can keep them forever. I think if you pressed a withering star and then kept it close, it would start glowing whenever the one who gave it to you thinks of you.

"I picked this especially for you."

*

still jazz tripping

2007-11-19T20:54:00.000+01:00

So another one of my new found favourite artists of the moment is Silje Nergaard. Ey's got a super soft voice, eir lyrics are great, the music dimples along, yet it's not the least boring.

And it seems to be a perfect soundtrack for studying.

I've learned with eir songs in the background for about 4 hours now. Usually I gotta change music every 30 minutes or so when I study. There's only one song that was intense enough to wake me, each time it came along in shuffle mode.

It's eir song At First Light from the same album, and it's the following piece of lyrics that gets to me each time.

You're out of sight, not out of mind
Survived the night only to find
You're out of sight, not out of mind
You helped me see then robbed me blind

I guess it's cos it seems Silje's reading from my heart. Ey's not quite out of sight yet, but I rarely see em at all. Today I saw em for two rather short periods of time. Both of which ey robbed me blind. breathless. laughing. shaking. heart hurry.
And it hurts even more to know that ey'll be out of sight for real soon. I know I'll see em again (if Fate is not having a fit of cutting strings, or rearranging eir tapestry), but I don't know what it will be like then. Will I feel the same? Eir borders will still be there, simple matter of definition... how will I cope, will I need to cope at all?
Oh well, at the very least I'm creating my very own rollercoaster. My very own private little ride.

----------------
Currently listening to: Silje Nergaard - Når hun skal hjem
via FoxyTunes

gentleman or so

2007-11-18T19:13:00.000+01:00

Amusing things happen sometimes.
Yesterday I was told: "You're a perfect man". Just for helping a really nice girl into eir jacket and holding eir bag, ey was putting on eir scarf.
Now this whole thing would seem totally normal, if I wasn't a girl myself ^_^ And the guy who likes em, and took em on a date on friday was right next to us. So funny. Ey didn't even get the idea to do it. I wonder... but I generally wonder too much.. so I shouldn't.
I'm guessing on some part of me, ey is right with what ey said. I really enjoyed doing that, but I don't like it, when guys do it to me. Makes me feel like a granny. Now, holding doors open for me, that's fine. I don't know why I like the one courtesy, and don't like the other.

I do know that I do like that girl though. But 1) I'm far too occupied with the border-drawing-person and 2) I think ey'll end up with the non-gentleman-guy anyways...

But I liked being called a "perfect man".

Huh, what happened?

2007-11-18T15:47:00.000+01:00

It's already gone.
Or is it?
Where'd it go?
Away? Hiding? Death?
Oh, wait..
No.
Yes.
I don't know.
If it's gone, what happens now?
I don't believe this.
It's not gone.
Ah yes, here we go.
Yup, still there.
Simply laying low.

Escapism

2007-11-14T23:36:00.000+01:00

I should be named „maestro de stupidité“.
That would sort of explain the way my days are running currently. How else would you explain writing emails to people you shouldn’t even write to in the first place, while being exorbitantly drunk. And then signing them in a most inappropriate way.
Another thing on that list is sitting outside drinking coffee. That alone wouldn’t be so stupid, if it wasn’t for the snow and the fact that I purposely left my jacket inside. But even if I had taken my jacket with me, it’s not a very warm jacket.
Ooh, another thing for my list of stupidité: I know that the things I wish for won’t happen, yet still I hope and set all my expectations higher than they ever should be. Then instead of living in blissful ignorance and hiding in escapism, I do everything in my power to destroy those illusions of fairytale-happiness. And then after I do that each day anew, I go home in a way where it wouldn’t even matter to me if the world stopped turning right there and then and shattered into a zillion pieces.

Last week had one day, when I was feeling particularly bad, and I had promised to go see a friend. So I stopped by, but since ey had to do some work, I left my bags at eir place, and went for a walk instead. When I started I was sulking because it didn’t rain. Clouds alone felt like a mockery to my mood, really. But it did start to rain. Combined with some nice november winds, it felt like icy cold needles being thrown at my face. Which at that point felt like a wonderful thing.
I went absolutely crazy, and walked in circles pretty much. First time ever I experienced a real difference in what my brain was saying and my body was doing. Of course I’ve had moments where things didn’t happen like I thought they would, but my body has never completely and absolutely denied my brain the action it was demanding. At some point I stopped, and I didn’t even want to (or the sensible part of me didn’t want to anyways), and after half a minute or so, I managed to decide that I have to leave, and it took me quite a long time, to make my feet move. I was rooted to the spot and all I could move was my head. It was pretty scary. The whole day was scary.

Something else scary is the Vienna Concert by Keith Jarrett. I got a recommendation for the Köln Concert not long ago and I fell in love with it. So I poked around the web to figure out what I should listen to next. And I found a description for the Vienna Concert that said:

„It's dark, and moody, to the extent that I always get an eerie feeling that I've accidentally entered the mind of a tortured soul on the verge of an emotional breakdown, but also contains incredible beauty, in the way that nature is beautiful in all her fury. It leaves me exhausted – and exhilerated – everytime I listen to it.“

That was the perfect clue for me, to decide that’s the one I need. And I don’t think I could describe it any better than above person did. Hell, I even got dizzy through one part. I was just sitting on my sofa, supposedly writing this post. I had already abandoned all thought of writing and was simply listening, when I closed my eyes and had to rest my head against the wall, to feel like I still had some kind of contact with the real world.
This concert is so awesome. I wish I had better speakers.

Speaking of music, I’ll do a complete topic change now. On Monday, for some reason I was thinking about the film Impromptu the whole day. And the quote from George Sand’s book Mauprat. In the film it says:

„I am not full of virtues and noble qualities. I love. That is all. But I love strongly, exclusively, and steadfastly.“

This is exactly what I feel these days. Amazing thing, to have someone who makes me think so many things. Even if I should burn up in neverending depression, loneliness and unhappiness, there is so much that ey already gave me, even though ey didn’t give me anything yet. It’s quite confusing really.

contemporary, jazzy, confuzzled, depressed mind

2007-11-10T01:33:00.000+01:00

[...]
I'm broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight? Child, you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
[...]
So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return, oh, or will I ever learn
[...]

So I'm listening to Jamie Cullum. Yes, stone me, I'm not listening to the original. I know, I know.... but I wanna listen to Jamie. There.

Last night I fell asleep on my sofa. Already wearing my PJs, so it was pretty cold. I had my bear (who is pretty big), so at least my belly was warm. Although I must've been somewhat awake still, cos I kept pressing next whenever there was a more happy piece of music in my Jamie playlist.

The most impressive line to me from Jeff's song is this one:
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
It feels just like me. I'm not a teenager anymore, yet I don't feel grown-up yet either. I'm already running, yet there is nowhere to run to. Where can you run, when you're stuck in real life?

Growing up kinda sucks. A few weeks ago, someone told me about those hideous straws, which turn your milk into chocolate milk or strawberry milk, or w7e. They were really amused, but I just thought they are being nuts. What's the point in those straws. Totally useless, and they just create a frigging heap of rubbish. Environment and all. I've even started recycling my coffee cups. I drink like 4-5 cups of coffee a day when I'm at uni, and I started using my first one, whenever I get a real one from the bakery lady. When ey isn't there and I gotta use the vending mashine, I got no choice, 'cos it gives me a new cup anyways.
So back to growing up anyways. Half the time I hate it. Being a child was so ... well yeah.. easy. Actually it wasn't easy, but it was a lot easier than life is now. Then again, sometimes I wish I was already thirty-something. I believe that by then I will have found my path in life. I'll have a place, it should start spinning in only one direction instead of 25. Or 17 maybe.

I guess I'll go back to contemplating life... which never works out well for me...

sif.

----------------
Currently listening to: Keith Jarrett - Part II C
via FoxyTunes

Woot, yay - more emo!

2007-11-07T09:35:00.000+01:00

Yosh! Alright.
So on monday I had my exam and considering the circumstances it went pretty good. I could've done better in a different world, but it's done.
I'm already head first into the next assignment. Some research about webtechnologies. It's going ok I presume.

Coolest thing that happened this week so far is this:
I got access to a pretty good keyboard-thing. Full octaves, real size, dynamic strokes (w7e that's called in English). So I've been practising piano again. And on monday I actually made up my own song. I have no clue of harmonies and scales, yet it does sound like it's something.
It's still super short, just about 30 seconds, but I think I might be able to turn it into something. I re-did it yesterday and changed it around a bit.
Weird thing is, the few people I showed it to all agreed that the first version is better. I don't know... I think they're just different. Maybe I'll just stick them together and put them in the same song. Like one of them could be the bridge or something.

Also, I'm all emo again. Wow suprise. And when did I start using this stupid word. It's not emo. It's sad, depressed, down, dejected, disheartened, frustrated, blue, gloomy, woeful... but not emo.
So anyways... what makes me say so?
Well, I was writing again yesterday. And in the past few years, that only happens when I'm super down. I even like what I wrote, and that only happens when I feel the world will come down and crush me (which in this state of mind would be a pleasant thing).

Thanks to Annbjorg for this great pic.

Here's some extracts of what I wrote:

i'm standing naked in the rain
my eyes are closed
screwed shut to block the world
sky does what i cannot

and each of those a silent piercing scream

offering my heart to sky and night
may they enfold me in their blanket

yet deadness from inside has spread

So, the way life works, of course this has to do with love. What else. Sif!
I wish I could show the person whom this is about what I wrote. To clarify, or have a reason to talk, or to find a way to cry, w7e... But that's not possible. There's a boundary I have succumb to. I feel like I'm already tiptoeing around this border, so I don't wanna push it.

Ah well, life goes on, it's autumn, I'm melancholy, as always.
A close friend once told me: "..., I only have to look outside my window and check the calendar to know what mood you'll be in". I guess ey's right in some ways. Ah, my friends tell me so many truths. And yet I keep denying them the satisfaction of succeeding in pounding some wisdom into me.

Since, what would life be without hardships? Piece of cake. And everyone knows, cookies pwn cake anytime!

----------------
Currently listening to: Matt Sweeney & Bonnie "Prince" Billy - I Gave You
via FoxyTunes

Procrastination!

2007-11-03T17:32:00.000+01:00

Wow, 2 posts in one day.... Something is happening to the world I guess.

So basically I'm posting again, cos I found some links I wanna share. Needless to say, other people found the links before me, and I didn't even find them myself.

It started with a link I got posted in Google Talk. So I went to check it out.

Turns out, it's a blog with some nice photography shots. Oh, wait.. the heading for the next entry sounds interesting. Lets see.. "25 minimalistic websites".. nice.. let's try clicking that. Oh, another blog. Ok. So where are these websites? Ah... here they are... This one is cool... oh, and this one, too. Mhmh... I should tell someone about these... Uh? What's that last one? The Idiot Behind the Iron Mask? Sounds weird. Ah, but of course it's another blog. With the most stylish subtitle I've read on a blog so far...

"I’m the quintessential gentleman, the new black, the life of the party, a man amongst men, a connoisseur of beautiful women, and all that bullshit."

Very amusing, really. I like the style ey writes in, too.

"Who cares if the system proves itself to be tainted and problematic, of course. After all, why remove or fix a system that has not yet completely shut down, if it could still be used. (To use a rather pedantic analogy, why not continue using an already-lame donkey as a beast of burden, so long as all of its legs haven’t yet broken to render it completely useless?)"

So... I quote, I link, I paste... and procrastinate from studying.
Ah, well... what's life without risks and things like that. It would be too easy, if I always did the things I should. Finish in time without stress? Naaaaw... any fool can do that! You have to make it hard! Risk something! Bend the rules until they seem to snap! Yeah, baby, yeah...

Have you yet noticed? I like to finish my sentences with ... ... ^_~
It leaves room for interpretation, and as well as that, it's nicer to type..

yeah.. w7e

----------------
Currently listening to: Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - The Seedling
via FoxyTunes

sometimes you could label me with "emo"

2007-11-03T14:44:00.000+01:00

Actually I should be studying. It's even a subject I like. But I fail at studying. Never know where to start, what to do, and always on the move to find new music.
My greatest addiction, and yet I revel in it.

I just ordered two more Bonnie 'Prince' Billy albums from Amazon. Eir music is the best stuff I found for months. And it's so fitting with the view out of my window.

Black. Yellow. Grey. Brown.

So good it hurts:

Finally a new post, and tons of new music.

2007-10-28T18:32:00.000+01:00

This is it.
New post after a good month of not writing. I had several reasons for not posting, but none of them are of any real importance, so no point in listing them up here.

So what's to tell.
I got a bunch of new CDs. You might wonder why I still bother to get CDs, since iTunes and so on are so much faster. Well, for one, I love having real CDs on my shelf. It shows people what I listen to, and the artwork is great. Apart from that, I like to have something to touch, and I daresay, it's far more likely for my harddrive to die, than for my CDs to go missing or anything.

Till Brönner - Oceana
**********
This is my absolute favourite of all my new CDs. It's jazz. Till plays trumpet but ey also sings. Some say ey shouldn't have started singing. I don't know eir previous albums, so I can't tell. I just know I really like this CD. I was so happy when it finally arrived. It first attracted my attention when I saw it in someone's car.
The cover is quite striking really. So when I had access to the internet again, I tried to remember the artist and album name and with some searching found it. Lucky for me, Amazon had listening samples for this album. So I tried them out and I pressed play on them for a whole evening to listen to them again and again.
On Wednesday when I got home, I finally had the CD in my mailbox. So first thing I did was to put it into my CD player and start listening. I haven't done this sort of thing for ever. There's always some music on, but usually I do stuff at the same time. Not this time though. I simply sat, watched the autumn wind play with the trees, smelled my vanilla candle, and listened to this wonderful music.
I'm so happy I bought this CD.

Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - The Letting Go
**********
Second favourite of the new stuff. It's kinda hard to describe the musical style of this. On Last.fm he is tagged with folk, alt-country and indie. I'm not sure if that's what it is, but I'd definitely say it's alternative.
This album is unbearably melancholic, but what's better suited for the dawning of autumn than this. Or rather for autumn itself, since it's in full play already. The backing vocals of Dawn McCarthy add some really beauty to his songs. Since aquiring this album I've had the chance to listen to some of eir previous songs, and eir voice really enriches the sound.
My favourite tracks on this album are Wai and No Bad News.

----------------
Currently listening to: Till Brönner - This Guy's In Love With You
via FoxyTunes

depression VS runnning

2007-09-26T20:28:00.000+02:00

Most of today's afternoon I was totally depressed. I listenend to the same song 73 times in a row, didn't smile, didn't chew my chewing gum... I basically just sat there and let the whole world be what it is whithout caring really. As well as simply being depressed, I was worried about someone really close to me. I don't have a way of helping or knowing about that though, so that pulled me down even more. Then my 4 times Ragnarok hubby came online, and ey was down, too. And ey's never down. Mostly ey just says "normal" when I ask how ey feels.
Such a weird day.

Just a bit later I was talking to Paint, and he told me "just be careful you don't get hurt". I think it's already too late for that... But some part of me actually thinks that's fine. Which is confusing the rest of me a lot. It's like being a multi-headed animal. One head wants food, the other drink and the third maybe just wants to sleep. Except that the things my different egos want are less rudimentary than food and sleep. And just to make it clear right here and now, I'm not schizophrenic and I don't have any alter-egos. I simply don't know what I want most of the time, and I also don't understand half the stuff that goes on inside my head and heart...

Back to the day itself... When I got home I talked to yet another friend of mine, and ey was down, too. Maybe it's all got to do with the weather. Today was the first real autumn day here. There was still some sun, but mostly it was grey and rainy.

interlude
O.o that reminds me ^^ totally random... yesterday there was a squirrel watching my class at uni. That was totally cute. Haha, our prof got jealous of the squirrel, because it stole all the attention. :)
/interlude

So eventually I decided I gotta do something. Well no, I didn't really decide. It's just that I wanted to run yesterday, but couldn't because I had a friend visiting me. So my head just said I gotta run today. So I did. And it was a really great run. I still didn't recalibrate my Nike sensor, so the distance on that is a bit off still. Anyways, about a third through, I figured out how to breath without it being sore and causing stitches. So once breathing worked I could even run faster. ^^ From about half-way I simply got faster and faster... it was almost real running at the end instead of slow-ass jogging. XD

So now I feel really good. I can still feel my earlier depression lingering around, but I think as long as I don't change my music from happy to sad stuff I should be fine for the rest of today...

Ugh. Running makes me cough.

Running

2007-09-23T23:14:00.000+02:00

Yay, today I went running again. Well, real runners would call it slow jogging. Anyways... I'm really happy I'm still going. I started like 9 days ago, and since then I went running 5 times. Apparently running with music really does make all the difference for me. And the fact that I got an iPod nano for free just makes it extra nice. Since I didn't have to pay for the iPod I instead paid for the Nike+ Kit and some really nice armstrap thing for the iPod. Calibrating the Nike sensor is a pain in the ass, but it's closer to the real distance now than it was with the default setting. Gonna try calibrating it again this week. Maybe I manage to actually run my own pace when I do those 500 meters to calibrate it. While I'm talking about pace.. my first run really sucked.. It was something like 9 1/2 minutes per kilometer. The one today was quite a lot faster ^^ 7:16 min/km. I'm making progress. The most important thing now is, to just keep going. 3 times a week is a good target. But my last two runs were quite a bit shorter than the first 3. So I gotta try and get to the same distance again, otherwise I'll wanna turn home even sooner each time. Oh yeah, you can check out my latest run on the right hand side ^^

My flatmates were supposed to come back today. But only one did. I wonder when the other one will get here. Ey's got a week until eir lectures start again, so I guess ey can be relaxed. It's gonna be good having them around again, cos they both run too. And they do it a lot better and faster than me. So hopefully they can give me some advice. :)

Sitting in the kitchen instead of my own room is really nice. I can see the moon outside the window. And also, I study a lot more here. I still get distracted simply by the fact I'm online all the time, but it's less. I guess last semester taught me a lesson - finally. Which is why I'll go to bed now. Don't wanna fall asleep during my lectures now.
I might miss something exciting *coughcough* XD

Jim Carroll - Basketball Diaries

2007-09-22T22:24:00.000+02:00

I just watched TV again for the first time in... months I think. It was just after 8, and I was about to watch some anime, when I thought "hey, lets check what's on TV". So there it was...

The Basketball Diaries:
**********
A movie I have heard so much about. Mostly that DiCaprio is supossed to be really good in it. I'm not a movie critic, but I agree. Compare eir facial expression from this movie, to what ey does in.. say.. Aviator. No comparison at all in my eyes. But anyways... that movie is not about DiCaprio.
It's about life. How - if you're not careful - life can fuck you over, and over, and over. And it won't stop doing that until you stand up to it. Sometimes you get stand up by someone else. But that's only if you get really lucky. Mostly it's you that has to do the work. Which, I guess, is the way it's meant to be. Yet it's overpowering most of the time. Seems like that to me anyways. Life doesn't just go on. You have to make it go on. If you just sit and wait, time will roll around you, the world will turn, but you'll stay fixed right where you are, rotting away inside. That sounds harsh, but it really is what I think happens.
If you don't move, you die. Simple as that.

But apart from that, this movie is about beauty. Remember the scene where he lies on the roof, naked, and masturbates. The masturbation is just a side effect of being a teenager. The reality of that scene is the beauty of the world. Away from all the chaos, and noise, and pain, hunger, scars and what else there may be. Pure beauty. "I just wanna be pure, I just wanna be pure."

Then, a little bit later, Bobby dies. And ey reads out eir lines about the rain.
"You're growing up. And rain sort of remains on the branches of a tree that will someday rule the Earth. And it's good that there is rain. It clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions, and it clears the streets of the silent armies... so we can dance."
Beautiful. And so true.

That movie really touched something. I keep thinking quite a lot these days, but this is going a bit further. It's not just scraping, it's cutting. Usually I pull my thoughts back before they hurt. Some kind of self preservation thing maybe. Or just fear. Won't know until I go there for real. Self-analysis is a weird thing to do. Specially since you never know if you're right, or if you're just making things up to have excuses for all the stuff you do or don't do.

Okay, my mind is refusing to go further.
For now.

so it has begun

2007-09-20T21:08:00.000+02:00

*omglykwtfbbq*

This is it! The end of my world surely has arrived. To quote someone: web two point oh! has reached me. Oh nuuuu! I have to run. This is dangerous! It will devour my body and soul. Let alone create more chaotic limbo in my mind. Wait... no.. that can't happen to me. O.o why? Haha, cos it already has. *lol*

Now, I can't tell you what I did this for. But w7e..., I hope this will enrich my life (maybe yours, too), just the same as a well enriches life in Africa.

Right, that was politically incorrect I asume. What the heck? Who cares! This is the webernet!!! Everything is allowed. and besides, it's not like I said anything bad. Bad would be... saying that homosexual people are trash. Which I know for a fact they are not. /ok They are very friendly and amusing beings. Who else could inspire something as funny as this:

Right, this is my first post, and I gotta leave in 20 minutes, so I'll stop now.
Surely you can't stand anymore of this sarcasm anyways.

Well, w7e!