Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Escapism

I should be named „maestro de stupidité“.
That would sort of explain the way my days are running currently. How else would you explain writing emails to people you shouldn’t even write to in the first place, while being exorbitantly drunk. And then signing them in a most inappropriate way.
Another thing on that list is sitting outside drinking coffee. That alone wouldn’t be so stupid, if it wasn’t for the snow and the fact that I purposely left my jacket inside. But even if I had taken my jacket with me, it’s not a very warm jacket.
Ooh, another thing for my list of stupidité: I know that the things I wish for won’t happen, yet still I hope and set all my expectations higher than they ever should be. Then instead of living in blissful ignorance and hiding in escapism, I do everything in my power to destroy those illusions of fairytale-happiness. And then after I do that each day anew, I go home in a way where it wouldn’t even matter to me if the world stopped turning right there and then and shattered into a zillion pieces.

Last week had one day, when I was feeling particularly bad, and I had promised to go see a friend. So I stopped by, but since ey had to do some work, I left my bags at eir place, and went for a walk instead. When I started I was sulking because it didn’t rain. Clouds alone felt like a mockery to my mood, really. But it did start to rain. Combined with some nice november winds, it felt like icy cold needles being thrown at my face. Which at that point felt like a wonderful thing.
I went absolutely crazy, and walked in circles pretty much. First time ever I experienced a real difference in what my brain was saying and my body was doing. Of course I’ve had moments where things didn’t happen like I thought they would, but my body has never completely and absolutely denied my brain the action it was demanding. At some point I stopped, and I didn’t even want to (or the sensible part of me didn’t want to anyways), and after half a minute or so, I managed to decide that I have to leave, and it took me quite a long time, to make my feet move. I was rooted to the spot and all I could move was my head. It was pretty scary. The whole day was scary.

Something else scary is the Vienna Concert by Keith Jarrett. I got a recommendation for the Köln Concert not long ago and I fell in love with it. So I poked around the web to figure out what I should listen to next. And I found a description for the Vienna Concert that said:
„It's dark, and moody, to the extent that I always get an eerie feeling that I've accidentally entered the mind of a tortured soul on the verge of an emotional breakdown, but also contains incredible beauty, in the way that nature is beautiful in all her fury. It leaves me exhausted – and exhilerated – everytime I listen to it.“
That was the perfect clue for me, to decide that’s the one I need. And I don’t think I could describe it any better than above person did. Hell, I even got dizzy through one part. I was just sitting on my sofa, supposedly writing this post. I had already abandoned all thought of writing and was simply listening, when I closed my eyes and had to rest my head against the wall, to feel like I still had some kind of contact with the real world.
This concert is so awesome. I wish I had better speakers.

Speaking of music, I’ll do a complete topic change now. On Monday, for some reason I was thinking about the film Impromptu the whole day. And the quote from George Sand’s book Mauprat. In the film it says:
„I am not full of virtues and noble qualities. I love. That is all. But I love strongly, exclusively, and steadfastly.“
This is exactly what I feel these days. Amazing thing, to have someone who makes me think so many things. Even if I should burn up in neverending depression, loneliness and unhappiness, there is so much that ey already gave me, even though ey didn’t give me anything yet. It’s quite confusing really.