modern times

call for modern blogs, and also different approaches:

read my multiple daily blurts on tumblr. long ramblings will still end up here though.

and life sucks... just as always.

I'm not hungry

lunch just takes too long. after all, I'd rather spend my free time at home, not sitting in some dodgy restaurant waiting for other people to finish eating and chatting about meaningless this-and-that.

the weather is not on my side. Windy, Cloudy, semi-warm-cold... typical autumn weather.. makes me feel close to back then. thinking about love, life, goals, timing, ... just not much fun.

go listen to this:

Angus & Julia Stone - Big Jet Plane

and this:

and this:

time flies by

everything new makes may... which may or may not be true. I'm bored out of my shell today though. So I ended up logging in here. To what end I don't know. I'm pretty sure no-one except some bots reads this place haha. Still got 0-10 hits a week.

Trying to pixel some stuff together, but after 5 hours of 3200% zoom my eyes just can't handle it anymore.

go FY you stupid icons.

I also miss my fish. Ha, and that even has multiple meaning. And I was offered to climb an endless tower tomorrow. I'm not sure I want to accept that challenge. How can that be done in 5 hours?! It's kind of paradox to call something endless if you can do it in 5 hours. Or maybe it can't be done in 5 hours, but they only want to allow me 5 hours to attempt it. Oh... green gradients. That's a good idea.

brb

go watch REPO!

WHY did YOU fucking leave him?!?!?!
and WHY didn't YOU try to get me back?!?!?!

Fuck you both! And noone fucking understands this. How could they. There's noone to know, noone in my situation, noone who's unbiased. So I'm fucking alone.

THANKS TO YOU!!!

both

lalalalaaaaa happy or wut?!

Soooo I'm on holiday. YAY!

No work, no duties, nice food, nice people.. pretty much nice everything. And among all this I still find the time to randomly walk around youtube, check my subscriptions (why the hell am I not getting emails from youtube when they update?!), check out the favs of my subscriptions and stumble upon awesome stuff.

Like this.

Google!

Wow, this is the first site Google shows up upon searching for w7e. Quite amusing. Also, I get around 10 hits every week, even if I don't write anything. Even more amusing. I should check out my statistics and find out what people searched for when they hit my blog. Because I'm pretty sure they didn't search for some random blog. LOL!

So yeah, I've had a couple of not so great experiences - regarding love, what else - but all in all I'm good.
I'm going on holiday soon, which will be awesome. Or so I hope, haha. I might die, which is a serious possibility regarding where I'm going, but I'm not scared. I might be put in jail upon me leaving the country, that scares me more. I might not come home for a very long time, which doesn't scare me either. It would just give me an excuse to not finish my education - again.

Well, I'm starving, so I'll go search for some food.

oh, music!!!! How could I forget!
- Anathema
- Lambchop
- Calexico

Woooow depression... ehm, I mean.. yes!!! Life is great!!!!!

What the fuck is with people?
Ok.. here's the facts:

* I like a person
* we get along really well
* I got a crush and ey are sexy

here's what happened:

* I tried to see em more often
* I put an effort into saying more than just "Hi"
* Ey asked me for how long I'd be around this time
* Ey asked me where my new place is
* I asked em, if ey wanted to go do something on the weekend
* When we met, ey gave me about 5 pieces of advise on how to meet people
* I got a mail from em, saying how the weekends are eir's alone, and for relationship, family, sports, etc
* I sent a reply saying, I only wanted us to be friends, and that it's totally fine.

Thing is:

IT'S NOT FINE!!!

I constantly get turned down. Either I like people who like me as a person, but for all sorts of reasons don't want to be with me. Be it that they want work to strictly stay work, be it that they aren't gay, be it that they are afraid of what might happen.

And the other part of people that do like me... well I don't like them. Not in a romantic kind of way anyways.

Seriously this kind of infatuation REALLY sucks. I fall for the same kind of people every single time. Usually older than me, and with one reason or the other, not to be with me.

I just don't get it.
What's so bad in a relationship or friendship with someone half your age? I have friends who are half my age, and sure, there are thing I don't get and things they don't get, but all in all we really get along.

Stupid bloody piece of shit society!

Back to my relationship with redwine. At least here I won't get turned down.


//on a side-note: I drank my first ever Champagne at work today!

Amazing...

I didn't post anything for weeks, and yet I had huge amounts of visitors in May. Where's the sense in that? Kinda weird.
unexplained phenomena

Hmm.. so what happened since my last post. Right now I'd say not much, but of course that's not true.

Let's see:

1) I'm at work again. No marks for my exams yet, but we're handing in the last piece of work today, so now it shouldn't take too long to get them all.

2) I moved into a flat (appartment) with 2 friends. So far it's going really well.

3) I've taken up piano lessons. Worst thing about those is simply, that they're expensive. Second worst thing is all the things I need to re-learn, or haven't learned in the first place that I need to learn now. C major scale.. haha.. but well.. it's not as easy as it sounds. I really like it. The teacher is great, and ey's showing me exactly all the things I haven't learned yet. Although it's a little frustrating, knowing that I played quite advanced Mozart and Beethoven and stuffs, and now I'm stuck with the most simple of things and they are actually hard.

4) Currently not in love with anyone. Quite surprisingly. Loving tons of people, but no infatuation. I'm quite glad about it, since it means a huge chaos-factor is removed from my life for now. There's a person whom I find very intriguing, but ey is - of course - not reachable for me. I tried to ask em out for a date-like thing, but got declined.

5) I'm getting my eyes operated. They'll be putting extra lenses inside my eye, and afterwards I'll be unbound from the burden of glasses! Hooray me. More about this some other time. And just to scare you off, a little video of what it'll be like:



Hum yes.. tons of posts in one. :D

So where's the difference?

love, longing, infatuation, attraction, having a crush, being in love, affection, desire...

When do you know which one of those it is that you're feeling?
How do you define it? Does love need to be defined? Then, if it doesn't... how do you draw a line between love and lust, infatuation and desire? Does there even have to be a line?

So I'm thinking, if the world is perfect, no there doesn't have to be a line. But it's not perfect, so yes, there needs to be lines. I certainly need them.

And in my eyes, yes, there is a difference between all those things.. well, tons of differences to be true.
But how do you know? Which one is important? Is lust important? Or is love? Are both? Or none?
If you could chose to have one fulfilled forever, which one would it be?

The way I behave, I guess my choice would be infatuation. But not the sloppy selfish kind.
No, it would have to be the one which feels like eternity. When you see the one you're infatuated with, and all you ever want to do is make them happy. If it happens they make you happy, too, along the way, that's all the better. So for me, the difference between love and lust is the point where you start to make a different choice. When I'm infatuated the sloppy selfish way, I want to be touched and held and just looked at in that special way. I get butterflys inside my stomach, sweaty hands, sad when I can't meet em. But the real way, the one that counts is, when I still want to be in contact, but not for me, for the other one. When I do stupid silly things, just to see em smile, even laugh about me. It's when you get the other one a coffee and never even think a second about being repaid. The only payment you receive is a smile, and that's even just a bonus. It's all just bonus.

It's just bad that this kind of caring is the one that seems to hurt the most. Seems like that right now anyways. Pfff, always seems like the worst. Wanting to do good, and not being allowed to.
Yesh, yesh, yesh... I'm rambling and being emo.. don't listen to me.

Have a nice day.

Listening to Scout Niblett - Drummer Boy

Trancecore - wtf?!

So... long time no posting.

A few weeks ago I had a virus. That really sucked. I had avast! updated and running, and still it fucked my system up. It messed up my wireless, made it impossible to install any antivirus programs or go into safe mode. So I did an internet scan of my personal files - which luckily none of were infected, moved them onto my external harddrive and formatted my laptop.
After being angry I was actually excited, 'cos for once I'd get to use format c:
But alas, that didn't work from a running windows system, so I had to use the XP CD.
It's all up and running again, although I still miss quite a few programs, but I'll just install them when I actually need them.

Class was cool last week. We had some seminar from thursday til saturday, and half the course didn't even turn up. Which is quite a lot, regarding that my course is less than 20 people. So the ones that did come had quite some fun.

On friday we went bowling. So now my legs and right arm are still a bit sore, but it was fun. Especially since after 9 p.m. they turn on blacklight and the balls as well as the pins were glowing awesomely.



And on saturday some guy I know had a party for his birthday. Me and some friends went there even though we were super exhausted from the seminar all week. We were sure we'd only stay til 11 or something... But in the end we ended up staying til 5am. :D That was a great lot of fun.
All during the party we listened to Enter Shikari - Sorry, You're Not A Winner. And frankly I fucking love this song :D
So now as an ultimate consequence of this, I'm going on a festival in summer to see them. And also half my course is going, too. Wah, so much fun ahead!

Glimpse and glimpses and borders well guarded

Glimpse

Glimpse

Glimpse

Of

T O R C H L I G H T

Most on wood with oil
I want to scream!
SCREEEAAAM out my emotion!
pounding heart & sweaty hands
insides squirming like venomous snakes on their mating nights

I lost you before I even found you. A glimpse of you in my life. Slow motion & waltz rythms. Days melt down to hours and hours melt down to days. Time is frozen in time.

Passed all my exams!

Yeah, baby, yeah!!!

I passed all my exams this sememster!!! Friggin' amazing. So happy! I had a resit last time, and that was pretty much the worst thing ever!
My notes range from 1.0 (there's nothing better) to 3.5 (and 4.1 is a fail, 5.0 is the worst you can get). And that 3.5 subject is the only one I was so sure I would fail. Lol, so great. I'm really really happy about this.

I also had time to meet up with some friends, saw the Golden Compass today, which was good. I regret that I didn't remember much of the book. It's like... 6 or 7 years since I read it (if that's in compliance with the publishing date, hehe). That's probably for the better though, because I'm guessing they made a real mess of it, although the effects seemed well enough, and the story seemed comprehensible even without having read the books. My friends didn't ask stupid questions anyways, and I know they didn't read it.
And Nicole Kidman looked absolutely, stunningly breath-takingly beautiful. Yes.



And also, this is the first and most likely will be the only movie that made me think, that dying looks beautiful. O.o Their Daemons turn into golden Dust when the person dies. It looks truly beautiful. Respects to the animation team!

Ah yes, and tomorrow I'll go and donate some blood. I'll finally know which blood-type flows through my veins, help save some lives maybe, and also it'll earn me some money.

Yush! *happy*

----------------
Currently listening to: Tom Milsom - Catsongs II (Livia Deliberated)

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Have a happy time with your loved ones! Enjoy and talk to you soon. Right now I need to enjoy being with my family. God I missed my dog sooooo much!!!

Enjoy this rather private version of my favourite ever christmas-song. And that is not me. Hehe. Though I did learn to play the flute a little at some point. I should take it up again when I get bored with my piano ^^

Happy / Tortoise

One thing about me is: when I'm happy I don't write.
I didn't write.
For a few days.

Now I'm writing, but I'm still happy. I'm just writing, because I feel I should. And I have stuff to share. And I simply want to.

Share No 1:
Check out this really cool gif (uh, you need to click it to see it move).

I even joined that silly mySpace community for this. This guy left a comment here, (where I got from here). So I presumed that is the one who made the gif, especially since there are more gifs like it on his site.
So I wanted to write a comment and say how much I liked the gif. Turns out, I need to sign up. So I do. Then I try again. Turns out I need to be friends with him for that... like.. wtf?! OK then, no comment.

Share No 2:
Tortoise.
Not turtle. But Tortoise. Not turquoise either.
Ey have a really cool website. You should really check out the headers for each section. Very cool, very ambient, very fun and beautiful as well.
I've been checking out lots of new and different music lately, so these guys just fit into that scheme perfectly. Thank god for youtube, btw.


Share No 3:
Happiness.
I got some of my marks back. So far I passed all my exams this year :) On on of them I even achieved the highest mark we can get. XD That's basically the reason for my introduction up at the top.
Also, I'll see my family again very soon, due to me going home for christmas. And as well as my family, I'll also see my old friends again, which is great, too.
So.
For now.
That should be all.

Piano & Jamie Cullum

Sooooo awesome!!! I got my piano today. And I looove it. Now I just need some more sheet music, and some lessons to teach me how to play without sheet music :D

And I just found this on YouTube.. I've seen this live... not in London, but I have ^^ When he makes the audience do that it's plain awesome. Too bad you can't really hear the people in this vid.

Scouting For Girls - Elvis Ain't Dead

Woah cool... Little boy pop, and I like it ^^ quite amusing. But I heard this song on the radio today, and I really liked it. Doesn't happen that often to me on the first listen. At least not with pop. So this is pop. Maybe they're not boys, but still. Pure mainstream pop. Or so I'd say anyways.
And it's friday.
And I got absolutely soaked on my way home. Left the trainstation, grey sky. Crossed the first road, and wham! 20meters and my feet were making squelch-noises inside my shoes. It actually rained hard enough for me to take of my headphones and turn off my mp3-Player. I don't think I ever did that before.
Anyways, I'm rambling, so here's the video:

Piano

So I did it ^^

I actually bought a piano. ^_^
Man I was so nervous, and then afterwards I got pretty excited. Too bad they can't deliver until monday. But that gives me time to think about maybe moving my furniture before they bring it. I don't think it's optimal the way it's right now, so maybe I'll move it around... But not sure yet, 'cos I don't have a tapemeasure and moving stuff around by yourself can be pretty hard.

But anyways... I'm really glad I did it though ^^ It'll be so much fun :)
Now I just need a stool from somewhere. The ones they had at the piano shop were just too expensive. I'll have a poke around in the other music stores here, and see if they're more or less expensive than ebay or other online stores.
For the start I'll just be sitting on my normal chair.. ^^

Argh yay, so happy.

The Knife - Marble House

"The moment we believe that we have never met
Another kind of love it's easy to forget
When we are all alone then we do both agree
We have a thing in common this was meant to be"

WOOOOT YAY! I decided I'll buy my piano tomorrow. I seriously cannot wait anymore, and I can afford it so.. wohoooo ^^

It'll be a CA-51 from Kawai.



also I wanted to put a song here that I've loved for over a year now. Last january I listened to it over and over and over again, and today I used my iAudio instead of my iPod, and it came up in shuffle. So amazing, that I had it up on repeat 1 again for hours...

So I wanted to share.

Enjoy.

I don't get it... I friggin' don't get it

This is so confusing!!!

K, start with the beginning. (Makes sense, dun it?)
A few days ago, my ex sent me a text: "what do you want for christmas?". Now that on it's own just made me think "WTF?! Are you serious? It's been 2 years, we live like a million miles apart. You wanna give me something for xmas, but you didn't for my birthday. Weird priorities. And besides.. how should I fucking know what I want??? I have no clue." So that might sound a bit harsh, but it was mostly in the style of wtf...
So, today I finally found something I want (other than some boring DVD). So I told em, and ey was like "are you sure?" and I was like "yeah." And then after ey said ok, I realised I could ask em to come visit in summer, and make eir flights the present, cos I went to see em this summer. So ey said ey already ordered it, and that ey might go someplace else in summer anyways.
My reaction to that was "O.o" And I asked em "with whom?"
And it seems like that might be more than "my family" because ey wanted to know if ey should tell me before or after sports. So what if ey's got a relationship now?! Just the thought of that makes me freak out.
It has been really long since we were together, and when I went to see em, it was more than a normal friendship, but it wasn't bitter or too much or anything either. It was really good actually. So why does the possibility of em with a new partner freak me out so much?!?!!
And also, on my way home today, there was a trio playing swing in the train station. I stopped to listen and the first song they played was Autumn Leaves. They were great. Most people that stopped were mothers with children no bigger than up to their knees. I fucking almost cried. I so much want a family, too. But how on earth is that going to happen??? I pushed away the person who would've done that with me, and now I keep falling in love with the most impossible people ever, and ... there's like a million reasons why it seems it will never ever fucking happen.

Fucking stupid piece of shit this life is... Someone tell me where the reset button is...

definitely bipolar

i just wanna die.