Woooow depression... ehm, I mean.. yes!!! Life is great!!!!!

What the fuck is with people?
Ok.. here's the facts:

* I like a person
* we get along really well
* I got a crush and ey are sexy

here's what happened:

* I tried to see em more often
* I put an effort into saying more than just "Hi"
* Ey asked me for how long I'd be around this time
* Ey asked me where my new place is
* I asked em, if ey wanted to go do something on the weekend
* When we met, ey gave me about 5 pieces of advise on how to meet people
* I got a mail from em, saying how the weekends are eir's alone, and for relationship, family, sports, etc
* I sent a reply saying, I only wanted us to be friends, and that it's totally fine.

Thing is:

IT'S NOT FINE!!!

I constantly get turned down. Either I like people who like me as a person, but for all sorts of reasons don't want to be with me. Be it that they want work to strictly stay work, be it that they aren't gay, be it that they are afraid of what might happen.

And the other part of people that do like me... well I don't like them. Not in a romantic kind of way anyways.

Seriously this kind of infatuation REALLY sucks. I fall for the same kind of people every single time. Usually older than me, and with one reason or the other, not to be with me.

I just don't get it.
What's so bad in a relationship or friendship with someone half your age? I have friends who are half my age, and sure, there are thing I don't get and things they don't get, but all in all we really get along.

Stupid bloody piece of shit society!

Back to my relationship with redwine. At least here I won't get turned down.


//on a side-note: I drank my first ever Champagne at work today!

So where's the difference?

love, longing, infatuation, attraction, having a crush, being in love, affection, desire...

When do you know which one of those it is that you're feeling?
How do you define it? Does love need to be defined? Then, if it doesn't... how do you draw a line between love and lust, infatuation and desire? Does there even have to be a line?

So I'm thinking, if the world is perfect, no there doesn't have to be a line. But it's not perfect, so yes, there needs to be lines. I certainly need them.

And in my eyes, yes, there is a difference between all those things.. well, tons of differences to be true.
But how do you know? Which one is important? Is lust important? Or is love? Are both? Or none?
If you could chose to have one fulfilled forever, which one would it be?

The way I behave, I guess my choice would be infatuation. But not the sloppy selfish kind.
No, it would have to be the one which feels like eternity. When you see the one you're infatuated with, and all you ever want to do is make them happy. If it happens they make you happy, too, along the way, that's all the better. So for me, the difference between love and lust is the point where you start to make a different choice. When I'm infatuated the sloppy selfish way, I want to be touched and held and just looked at in that special way. I get butterflys inside my stomach, sweaty hands, sad when I can't meet em. But the real way, the one that counts is, when I still want to be in contact, but not for me, for the other one. When I do stupid silly things, just to see em smile, even laugh about me. It's when you get the other one a coffee and never even think a second about being repaid. The only payment you receive is a smile, and that's even just a bonus. It's all just bonus.

It's just bad that this kind of caring is the one that seems to hurt the most. Seems like that right now anyways. Pfff, always seems like the worst. Wanting to do good, and not being allowed to.
Yesh, yesh, yesh... I'm rambling and being emo.. don't listen to me.

Have a nice day.

Listening to Scout Niblett - Drummer Boy

I don't get it... I friggin' don't get it

This is so confusing!!!

K, start with the beginning. (Makes sense, dun it?)
A few days ago, my ex sent me a text: "what do you want for christmas?". Now that on it's own just made me think "WTF?! Are you serious? It's been 2 years, we live like a million miles apart. You wanna give me something for xmas, but you didn't for my birthday. Weird priorities. And besides.. how should I fucking know what I want??? I have no clue." So that might sound a bit harsh, but it was mostly in the style of wtf...
So, today I finally found something I want (other than some boring DVD). So I told em, and ey was like "are you sure?" and I was like "yeah." And then after ey said ok, I realised I could ask em to come visit in summer, and make eir flights the present, cos I went to see em this summer. So ey said ey already ordered it, and that ey might go someplace else in summer anyways.
My reaction to that was "O.o" And I asked em "with whom?"
And it seems like that might be more than "my family" because ey wanted to know if ey should tell me before or after sports. So what if ey's got a relationship now?! Just the thought of that makes me freak out.
It has been really long since we were together, and when I went to see em, it was more than a normal friendship, but it wasn't bitter or too much or anything either. It was really good actually. So why does the possibility of em with a new partner freak me out so much?!?!!
And also, on my way home today, there was a trio playing swing in the train station. I stopped to listen and the first song they played was Autumn Leaves. They were great. Most people that stopped were mothers with children no bigger than up to their knees. I fucking almost cried. I so much want a family, too. But how on earth is that going to happen??? I pushed away the person who would've done that with me, and now I keep falling in love with the most impossible people ever, and ... there's like a million reasons why it seems it will never ever fucking happen.

Fucking stupid piece of shit this life is... Someone tell me where the reset button is...

wtfbbqkthx

bipolar disorder anyone?

:D

I almost pissed myself laughing about myself today.
Right, so last week I went to say hello to someone I haven't seen for *thinks* 3 months. I had a huge crush on em (which started like 9 months ago). It included the whole set of racing heartbeat, sweaty hands, butterflies in my stomach and all. It had started to fade off and had all gone away while we didn't see each other. Altogether there was only 3 e-mails in the whole 3 months. 2 from me, and 1 for me.
So anyways, last week I discovered that ey wasn't there. Someone else told me, ey would come back this week. So despite all my self-control and pre-occupation with my border-soldier, I got quite excited over the weekend. When we actually did meet today it was really amusing. At first I just said hello, because I had to greet someone else, too.
lol, I can hardly type 'cos I'm laughing again.
So I went to see em, and was basically smiling like hell even though I had told myself I wouldn't. Promptly I got asked: "And how are you? Why are you beaming so much?" I totally didn't have an answer to that... wrong person, wrong time, and also wrong other people present, but I just laughed so hard when I was alone again...
Hilarious... the weirdness of my heart.
Although I kind of unlearned how to see eir beauty. I was really happy to see em, but the enchantingness (ugh, that's not a word) was gone.
But this is a really good example to tell my friend J. Em was like: "Yeah, if you don't see em, you'll be fine in two weeks." Ha Ha Ha! Like hell... the ones I really care about always drag along for aaages.

So yeah... see how I was last week? All madness and depression and losing track of time & reality. Now look at me this week (so far). Beaming, laughing, having fun. I wonder how long it's going to last.

OMG! I'm gonna buy a piano! I already tried out 3 last week, and another 3 today. Woah!!! Now THAT made me even happier! I just gotta go retry the first 3 soon - hopefully tomorrow - so I can have a real close comparison and then decide. Otherwise I'd have to wait until summer. Oh, hmm... maybe they'll all be cheaper then. Mmmh... I didn't think of that before, lol.

Does anyone know how fast new piano models go down in price?

Hmmm.. I'll research that now.

today is fucked up

and then I see a darkness
and then I see a darkness
did you know how much I love you
there's a hope that somehow you
can save me from this darkness


and then:

madness

madness

madness

madness

MADNESS

M A D N E S S ! ! !

maddening sadness engulfs the lonely hunter...
alone

always

Escapism

I should be named „maestro de stupidité“.
That would sort of explain the way my days are running currently. How else would you explain writing emails to people you shouldn’t even write to in the first place, while being exorbitantly drunk. And then signing them in a most inappropriate way.
Another thing on that list is sitting outside drinking coffee. That alone wouldn’t be so stupid, if it wasn’t for the snow and the fact that I purposely left my jacket inside. But even if I had taken my jacket with me, it’s not a very warm jacket.
Ooh, another thing for my list of stupidité: I know that the things I wish for won’t happen, yet still I hope and set all my expectations higher than they ever should be. Then instead of living in blissful ignorance and hiding in escapism, I do everything in my power to destroy those illusions of fairytale-happiness. And then after I do that each day anew, I go home in a way where it wouldn’t even matter to me if the world stopped turning right there and then and shattered into a zillion pieces.

Last week had one day, when I was feeling particularly bad, and I had promised to go see a friend. So I stopped by, but since ey had to do some work, I left my bags at eir place, and went for a walk instead. When I started I was sulking because it didn’t rain. Clouds alone felt like a mockery to my mood, really. But it did start to rain. Combined with some nice november winds, it felt like icy cold needles being thrown at my face. Which at that point felt like a wonderful thing.
I went absolutely crazy, and walked in circles pretty much. First time ever I experienced a real difference in what my brain was saying and my body was doing. Of course I’ve had moments where things didn’t happen like I thought they would, but my body has never completely and absolutely denied my brain the action it was demanding. At some point I stopped, and I didn’t even want to (or the sensible part of me didn’t want to anyways), and after half a minute or so, I managed to decide that I have to leave, and it took me quite a long time, to make my feet move. I was rooted to the spot and all I could move was my head. It was pretty scary. The whole day was scary.

Something else scary is the Vienna Concert by Keith Jarrett. I got a recommendation for the Köln Concert not long ago and I fell in love with it. So I poked around the web to figure out what I should listen to next. And I found a description for the Vienna Concert that said:

„It's dark, and moody, to the extent that I always get an eerie feeling that I've accidentally entered the mind of a tortured soul on the verge of an emotional breakdown, but also contains incredible beauty, in the way that nature is beautiful in all her fury. It leaves me exhausted – and exhilerated – everytime I listen to it.“

That was the perfect clue for me, to decide that’s the one I need. And I don’t think I could describe it any better than above person did. Hell, I even got dizzy through one part. I was just sitting on my sofa, supposedly writing this post. I had already abandoned all thought of writing and was simply listening, when I closed my eyes and had to rest my head against the wall, to feel like I still had some kind of contact with the real world.
This concert is so awesome. I wish I had better speakers.

Speaking of music, I’ll do a complete topic change now. On Monday, for some reason I was thinking about the film Impromptu the whole day. And the quote from George Sand’s book Mauprat. In the film it says:

„I am not full of virtues and noble qualities. I love. That is all. But I love strongly, exclusively, and steadfastly.“

This is exactly what I feel these days. Amazing thing, to have someone who makes me think so many things. Even if I should burn up in neverending depression, loneliness and unhappiness, there is so much that ey already gave me, even though ey didn’t give me anything yet. It’s quite confusing really.

contemporary, jazzy, confuzzled, depressed mind

[...]
I'm broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight? Child, you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
[...]
So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return, oh, or will I ever learn
[...]



So I'm listening to Jamie Cullum. Yes, stone me, I'm not listening to the original. I know, I know.... but I wanna listen to Jamie. There.

Last night I fell asleep on my sofa. Already wearing my PJs, so it was pretty cold. I had my bear (who is pretty big), so at least my belly was warm. Although I must've been somewhat awake still, cos I kept pressing next whenever there was a more happy piece of music in my Jamie playlist.

The most impressive line to me from Jeff's song is this one:
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
It feels just like me. I'm not a teenager anymore, yet I don't feel grown-up yet either. I'm already running, yet there is nowhere to run to. Where can you run, when you're stuck in real life?

Growing up kinda sucks. A few weeks ago, someone told me about those hideous straws, which turn your milk into chocolate milk or strawberry milk, or w7e. They were really amused, but I just thought they are being nuts. What's the point in those straws. Totally useless, and they just create a frigging heap of rubbish. Environment and all. I've even started recycling my coffee cups. I drink like 4-5 cups of coffee a day when I'm at uni, and I started using my first one, whenever I get a real one from the bakery lady. When ey isn't there and I gotta use the vending mashine, I got no choice, 'cos it gives me a new cup anyways.
So back to growing up anyways. Half the time I hate it. Being a child was so ... well yeah.. easy. Actually it wasn't easy, but it was a lot easier than life is now. Then again, sometimes I wish I was already thirty-something. I believe that by then I will have found my path in life. I'll have a place, it should start spinning in only one direction instead of 25. Or 17 maybe.

I guess I'll go back to contemplating life... which never works out well for me...

sif.

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Currently listening to: Keith Jarrett - Part II C
via FoxyTunes

Woot, yay - more emo!

Yosh! Alright.
So on monday I had my exam and considering the circumstances it went pretty good. I could've done better in a different world, but it's done.
I'm already head first into the next assignment. Some research about webtechnologies. It's going ok I presume.

Coolest thing that happened this week so far is this:
I got access to a pretty good keyboard-thing. Full octaves, real size, dynamic strokes (w7e that's called in English). So I've been practising piano again. And on monday I actually made up my own song. I have no clue of harmonies and scales, yet it does sound like it's something.
It's still super short, just about 30 seconds, but I think I might be able to turn it into something. I re-did it yesterday and changed it around a bit.
Weird thing is, the few people I showed it to all agreed that the first version is better. I don't know... I think they're just different. Maybe I'll just stick them together and put them in the same song. Like one of them could be the bridge or something.

Also, I'm all emo again. Wow suprise. And when did I start using this stupid word. It's not emo. It's sad, depressed, down, dejected, disheartened, frustrated, blue, gloomy, woeful... but not emo.
So anyways... what makes me say so?
Well, I was writing again yesterday. And in the past few years, that only happens when I'm super down. I even like what I wrote, and that only happens when I feel the world will come down and crush me (which in this state of mind would be a pleasant thing).

Thanks to Annbjorg for this great pic.

Here's some extracts of what I wrote:

i'm standing naked in the rain
my eyes are closed
screwed shut to block the world
sky does what i cannot

and each of those a silent piercing scream

offering my heart to sky and night
may they enfold me in their blanket

yet deadness from inside has spread

So, the way life works, of course this has to do with love. What else. Sif!
I wish I could show the person whom this is about what I wrote. To clarify, or have a reason to talk, or to find a way to cry, w7e... But that's not possible. There's a boundary I have succumb to. I feel like I'm already tiptoeing around this border, so I don't wanna push it.

Ah well, life goes on, it's autumn, I'm melancholy, as always.
A close friend once told me: "..., I only have to look outside my window and check the calendar to know what mood you'll be in". I guess ey's right in some ways. Ah, my friends tell me so many truths. And yet I keep denying them the satisfaction of succeeding in pounding some wisdom into me.

Since, what would life be without hardships? Piece of cake. And everyone knows, cookies pwn cake anytime!

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Currently listening to: Matt Sweeney & Bonnie "Prince" Billy - I Gave You
via FoxyTunes