I'm not hungry

lunch just takes too long. after all, I'd rather spend my free time at home, not sitting in some dodgy restaurant waiting for other people to finish eating and chatting about meaningless this-and-that.

the weather is not on my side. Windy, Cloudy, semi-warm-cold... typical autumn weather.. makes me feel close to back then. thinking about love, life, goals, timing, ... just not much fun.

go listen to this:

Angus & Julia Stone - Big Jet Plane

and this:

and this:

Woooow depression... ehm, I mean.. yes!!! Life is great!!!!!

What the fuck is with people?
Ok.. here's the facts:

* I like a person
* we get along really well
* I got a crush and ey are sexy

here's what happened:

* I tried to see em more often
* I put an effort into saying more than just "Hi"
* Ey asked me for how long I'd be around this time
* Ey asked me where my new place is
* I asked em, if ey wanted to go do something on the weekend
* When we met, ey gave me about 5 pieces of advise on how to meet people
* I got a mail from em, saying how the weekends are eir's alone, and for relationship, family, sports, etc
* I sent a reply saying, I only wanted us to be friends, and that it's totally fine.

Thing is:

IT'S NOT FINE!!!

I constantly get turned down. Either I like people who like me as a person, but for all sorts of reasons don't want to be with me. Be it that they want work to strictly stay work, be it that they aren't gay, be it that they are afraid of what might happen.

And the other part of people that do like me... well I don't like them. Not in a romantic kind of way anyways.

Seriously this kind of infatuation REALLY sucks. I fall for the same kind of people every single time. Usually older than me, and with one reason or the other, not to be with me.

I just don't get it.
What's so bad in a relationship or friendship with someone half your age? I have friends who are half my age, and sure, there are thing I don't get and things they don't get, but all in all we really get along.

Stupid bloody piece of shit society!

Back to my relationship with redwine. At least here I won't get turned down.


//on a side-note: I drank my first ever Champagne at work today!

So where's the difference?

love, longing, infatuation, attraction, having a crush, being in love, affection, desire...

When do you know which one of those it is that you're feeling?
How do you define it? Does love need to be defined? Then, if it doesn't... how do you draw a line between love and lust, infatuation and desire? Does there even have to be a line?

So I'm thinking, if the world is perfect, no there doesn't have to be a line. But it's not perfect, so yes, there needs to be lines. I certainly need them.

And in my eyes, yes, there is a difference between all those things.. well, tons of differences to be true.
But how do you know? Which one is important? Is lust important? Or is love? Are both? Or none?
If you could chose to have one fulfilled forever, which one would it be?

The way I behave, I guess my choice would be infatuation. But not the sloppy selfish kind.
No, it would have to be the one which feels like eternity. When you see the one you're infatuated with, and all you ever want to do is make them happy. If it happens they make you happy, too, along the way, that's all the better. So for me, the difference between love and lust is the point where you start to make a different choice. When I'm infatuated the sloppy selfish way, I want to be touched and held and just looked at in that special way. I get butterflys inside my stomach, sweaty hands, sad when I can't meet em. But the real way, the one that counts is, when I still want to be in contact, but not for me, for the other one. When I do stupid silly things, just to see em smile, even laugh about me. It's when you get the other one a coffee and never even think a second about being repaid. The only payment you receive is a smile, and that's even just a bonus. It's all just bonus.

It's just bad that this kind of caring is the one that seems to hurt the most. Seems like that right now anyways. Pfff, always seems like the worst. Wanting to do good, and not being allowed to.
Yesh, yesh, yesh... I'm rambling and being emo.. don't listen to me.

Have a nice day.

Listening to Scout Niblett - Drummer Boy

Glimpse and glimpses and borders well guarded

Glimpse

Glimpse

Glimpse

Of

T O R C H L I G H T

Most on wood with oil
I want to scream!
SCREEEAAAM out my emotion!
pounding heart & sweaty hands
insides squirming like venomous snakes on their mating nights

I lost you before I even found you. A glimpse of you in my life. Slow motion & waltz rythms. Days melt down to hours and hours melt down to days. Time is frozen in time.

all in my head?

So I've been listening to Rooney. Had the whole album on, and then song No. 10 made me hit z in Winamp and go back to listen to it again. And again. And again.

I told you before
I'm not looking for someone to hold me
Take your hand off my back
the weight is making me heavy
I don't like public affection
it belongs in the bedroom
Well I don't want to run around
I got plans in the afternoon

What did you expect?
Well I told you from the start
That I'm not your boyfriend

All the hope
All the pain
All the tears you cried
Every laugh
Every kiss
Every time I lied
Well I'm not what you think or dreamed of
It's all in your head

So what does that mean now? Basically I keep thinking about the border-soldier. Would this be what ey'd say to me if things were different, yet all the same? Does ey care? In any way?
Last time I saw em, we had a lot of eye contact. Never very long, because I was afraid I'd start crying, but quite a lot. I also hadn't expected to see em at all that day. I had been sure the 1min meeting the day before was the last one for now. Which I left without even saying good-bye. Ey said something to me, but there was someone else present, so I just felt I had to run away. I didn't want to start telling em things that are only for em, with someone else being there. And I also didn't want to force my presence on them.
So this unexpected new last meeting took me unaware. God, I wonder what ey could read from my eyes. Why was ey even looking my way, if ey believes in eir borders? Did ey just look the same at me as ey would've with anyone, and I'm just imagining it was way more than ey looked at my friends?
I'll never know I guess. There is no way I would ask em, I told em my good-byes and good wishes for the time to come. So now I'll just wait. Unless of course I can think of a relevant reason to speak to em. Which I guess I will never find.
Oh well... w7e!

still jazz tripping

So another one of my new found favourite artists of the moment is Silje Nergaard. Ey's got a super soft voice, eir lyrics are great, the music dimples along, yet it's not the least boring.

And it seems to be a perfect soundtrack for studying.

I've learned with eir songs in the background for about 4 hours now. Usually I gotta change music every 30 minutes or so when I study. There's only one song that was intense enough to wake me, each time it came along in shuffle mode.

It's eir song At First Light from the same album, and it's the following piece of lyrics that gets to me each time.

You're out of sight, not out of mind
Survived the night only to find
You're out of sight, not out of mind
You helped me see then robbed me blind

I guess it's cos it seems Silje's reading from my heart. Ey's not quite out of sight yet, but I rarely see em at all. Today I saw em for two rather short periods of time. Both of which ey robbed me blind. breathless. laughing. shaking. heart hurry.
And it hurts even more to know that ey'll be out of sight for real soon. I know I'll see em again (if Fate is not having a fit of cutting strings, or rearranging eir tapestry), but I don't know what it will be like then. Will I feel the same? Eir borders will still be there, simple matter of definition... how will I cope, will I need to cope at all?
Oh well, at the very least I'm creating my very own rollercoaster. My very own private little ride.

----------------
Currently listening to: Silje Nergaard - Når hun skal hjem
via FoxyTunes

Escapism

I should be named „maestro de stupidité“.
That would sort of explain the way my days are running currently. How else would you explain writing emails to people you shouldn’t even write to in the first place, while being exorbitantly drunk. And then signing them in a most inappropriate way.
Another thing on that list is sitting outside drinking coffee. That alone wouldn’t be so stupid, if it wasn’t for the snow and the fact that I purposely left my jacket inside. But even if I had taken my jacket with me, it’s not a very warm jacket.
Ooh, another thing for my list of stupidité: I know that the things I wish for won’t happen, yet still I hope and set all my expectations higher than they ever should be. Then instead of living in blissful ignorance and hiding in escapism, I do everything in my power to destroy those illusions of fairytale-happiness. And then after I do that each day anew, I go home in a way where it wouldn’t even matter to me if the world stopped turning right there and then and shattered into a zillion pieces.

Last week had one day, when I was feeling particularly bad, and I had promised to go see a friend. So I stopped by, but since ey had to do some work, I left my bags at eir place, and went for a walk instead. When I started I was sulking because it didn’t rain. Clouds alone felt like a mockery to my mood, really. But it did start to rain. Combined with some nice november winds, it felt like icy cold needles being thrown at my face. Which at that point felt like a wonderful thing.
I went absolutely crazy, and walked in circles pretty much. First time ever I experienced a real difference in what my brain was saying and my body was doing. Of course I’ve had moments where things didn’t happen like I thought they would, but my body has never completely and absolutely denied my brain the action it was demanding. At some point I stopped, and I didn’t even want to (or the sensible part of me didn’t want to anyways), and after half a minute or so, I managed to decide that I have to leave, and it took me quite a long time, to make my feet move. I was rooted to the spot and all I could move was my head. It was pretty scary. The whole day was scary.

Something else scary is the Vienna Concert by Keith Jarrett. I got a recommendation for the Köln Concert not long ago and I fell in love with it. So I poked around the web to figure out what I should listen to next. And I found a description for the Vienna Concert that said:

„It's dark, and moody, to the extent that I always get an eerie feeling that I've accidentally entered the mind of a tortured soul on the verge of an emotional breakdown, but also contains incredible beauty, in the way that nature is beautiful in all her fury. It leaves me exhausted – and exhilerated – everytime I listen to it.“

That was the perfect clue for me, to decide that’s the one I need. And I don’t think I could describe it any better than above person did. Hell, I even got dizzy through one part. I was just sitting on my sofa, supposedly writing this post. I had already abandoned all thought of writing and was simply listening, when I closed my eyes and had to rest my head against the wall, to feel like I still had some kind of contact with the real world.
This concert is so awesome. I wish I had better speakers.

Speaking of music, I’ll do a complete topic change now. On Monday, for some reason I was thinking about the film Impromptu the whole day. And the quote from George Sand’s book Mauprat. In the film it says:

„I am not full of virtues and noble qualities. I love. That is all. But I love strongly, exclusively, and steadfastly.“

This is exactly what I feel these days. Amazing thing, to have someone who makes me think so many things. Even if I should burn up in neverending depression, loneliness and unhappiness, there is so much that ey already gave me, even though ey didn’t give me anything yet. It’s quite confusing really.

contemporary, jazzy, confuzzled, depressed mind

[...]
I'm broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight? Child, you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
[...]
So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return, oh, or will I ever learn
[...]



So I'm listening to Jamie Cullum. Yes, stone me, I'm not listening to the original. I know, I know.... but I wanna listen to Jamie. There.

Last night I fell asleep on my sofa. Already wearing my PJs, so it was pretty cold. I had my bear (who is pretty big), so at least my belly was warm. Although I must've been somewhat awake still, cos I kept pressing next whenever there was a more happy piece of music in my Jamie playlist.

The most impressive line to me from Jeff's song is this one:
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run
It feels just like me. I'm not a teenager anymore, yet I don't feel grown-up yet either. I'm already running, yet there is nowhere to run to. Where can you run, when you're stuck in real life?

Growing up kinda sucks. A few weeks ago, someone told me about those hideous straws, which turn your milk into chocolate milk or strawberry milk, or w7e. They were really amused, but I just thought they are being nuts. What's the point in those straws. Totally useless, and they just create a frigging heap of rubbish. Environment and all. I've even started recycling my coffee cups. I drink like 4-5 cups of coffee a day when I'm at uni, and I started using my first one, whenever I get a real one from the bakery lady. When ey isn't there and I gotta use the vending mashine, I got no choice, 'cos it gives me a new cup anyways.
So back to growing up anyways. Half the time I hate it. Being a child was so ... well yeah.. easy. Actually it wasn't easy, but it was a lot easier than life is now. Then again, sometimes I wish I was already thirty-something. I believe that by then I will have found my path in life. I'll have a place, it should start spinning in only one direction instead of 25. Or 17 maybe.

I guess I'll go back to contemplating life... which never works out well for me...

sif.

----------------
Currently listening to: Keith Jarrett - Part II C
via FoxyTunes

Woot, yay - more emo!

Yosh! Alright.
So on monday I had my exam and considering the circumstances it went pretty good. I could've done better in a different world, but it's done.
I'm already head first into the next assignment. Some research about webtechnologies. It's going ok I presume.

Coolest thing that happened this week so far is this:
I got access to a pretty good keyboard-thing. Full octaves, real size, dynamic strokes (w7e that's called in English). So I've been practising piano again. And on monday I actually made up my own song. I have no clue of harmonies and scales, yet it does sound like it's something.
It's still super short, just about 30 seconds, but I think I might be able to turn it into something. I re-did it yesterday and changed it around a bit.
Weird thing is, the few people I showed it to all agreed that the first version is better. I don't know... I think they're just different. Maybe I'll just stick them together and put them in the same song. Like one of them could be the bridge or something.

Also, I'm all emo again. Wow suprise. And when did I start using this stupid word. It's not emo. It's sad, depressed, down, dejected, disheartened, frustrated, blue, gloomy, woeful... but not emo.
So anyways... what makes me say so?
Well, I was writing again yesterday. And in the past few years, that only happens when I'm super down. I even like what I wrote, and that only happens when I feel the world will come down and crush me (which in this state of mind would be a pleasant thing).

Thanks to Annbjorg for this great pic.

Here's some extracts of what I wrote:

i'm standing naked in the rain
my eyes are closed
screwed shut to block the world
sky does what i cannot

and each of those a silent piercing scream

offering my heart to sky and night
may they enfold me in their blanket

yet deadness from inside has spread

So, the way life works, of course this has to do with love. What else. Sif!
I wish I could show the person whom this is about what I wrote. To clarify, or have a reason to talk, or to find a way to cry, w7e... But that's not possible. There's a boundary I have succumb to. I feel like I'm already tiptoeing around this border, so I don't wanna push it.

Ah well, life goes on, it's autumn, I'm melancholy, as always.
A close friend once told me: "..., I only have to look outside my window and check the calendar to know what mood you'll be in". I guess ey's right in some ways. Ah, my friends tell me so many truths. And yet I keep denying them the satisfaction of succeeding in pounding some wisdom into me.

Since, what would life be without hardships? Piece of cake. And everyone knows, cookies pwn cake anytime!

----------------
Currently listening to: Matt Sweeney & Bonnie "Prince" Billy - I Gave You
via FoxyTunes

sometimes you could label me with "emo"

Actually I should be studying. It's even a subject I like. But I fail at studying. Never know where to start, what to do, and always on the move to find new music.
My greatest addiction, and yet I revel in it.

I just ordered two more Bonnie 'Prince' Billy albums from Amazon. Eir music is the best stuff I found for months. And it's so fitting with the view out of my window.

Black. Yellow. Grey. Brown.

So good it hurts: