I don't get it... I friggin' don't get it

This is so confusing!!!

K, start with the beginning. (Makes sense, dun it?)
A few days ago, my ex sent me a text: "what do you want for christmas?". Now that on it's own just made me think "WTF?! Are you serious? It's been 2 years, we live like a million miles apart. You wanna give me something for xmas, but you didn't for my birthday. Weird priorities. And besides.. how should I fucking know what I want??? I have no clue." So that might sound a bit harsh, but it was mostly in the style of wtf...
So, today I finally found something I want (other than some boring DVD). So I told em, and ey was like "are you sure?" and I was like "yeah." And then after ey said ok, I realised I could ask em to come visit in summer, and make eir flights the present, cos I went to see em this summer. So ey said ey already ordered it, and that ey might go someplace else in summer anyways.
My reaction to that was "O.o" And I asked em "with whom?"
And it seems like that might be more than "my family" because ey wanted to know if ey should tell me before or after sports. So what if ey's got a relationship now?! Just the thought of that makes me freak out.
It has been really long since we were together, and when I went to see em, it was more than a normal friendship, but it wasn't bitter or too much or anything either. It was really good actually. So why does the possibility of em with a new partner freak me out so much?!?!!
And also, on my way home today, there was a trio playing swing in the train station. I stopped to listen and the first song they played was Autumn Leaves. They were great. Most people that stopped were mothers with children no bigger than up to their knees. I fucking almost cried. I so much want a family, too. But how on earth is that going to happen??? I pushed away the person who would've done that with me, and now I keep falling in love with the most impossible people ever, and ... there's like a million reasons why it seems it will never ever fucking happen.

Fucking stupid piece of shit this life is... Someone tell me where the reset button is...